Student Prays for the Sweet Release of Death After a Long Night of Drinking

LAKE FOREST, IL— This morning, after a heroic battle against the worst f@*%ing hangover of his life, Alan Goodman ’17 has lost the will to live. Goodman spent last night celebrating his twenty-first birthday at the Lantern with enough alcohol to take down a bull elephant.

The group left campus at around 10:30 p.m. and walked to the venue. What started out as a fun night out quickly got out of hand when someone took out a super soaker of vodka.

Goodman passed out in front of Young Hall on Middle Campus. He was grabbed by his ankles and dragged to his dorm room by passersby around 3:00 a.m., witnesses said.

“Please, dear God, just let me die. I don’t want to live with this quality of life,” Goodman groaned from his bed.

Closely monitored by Health Center staff, he is currently being treated with saltines and water.

“I wish I had seen the signs. It’s hard to see him just lying there. I feel so helpless,” said David Harrison, Goodman’s best friend from Highland Park.

Goodman is currently in a stable but vegetative state surrounded by friends and family in his South Campus dorm.